THE WAY OUT IS THROUGH

The year of 2018 has been a good year for me. I’ve found myself living in a new place, with new friends, a new job and a new outlook on life. Part of this transformation is creating a new blog and website.

With this I’m putting a line in the sand for myself. I’m putting out the sails and going full speed ahead. In other words, get onboard or get the fuck out of my way.

When I moved from Portland to Bend, I was lost and beat up. I wasn’t sleeping. I’d just broken up with my girlfriend a few months before. I’d wake up in the middle of the night and lay there thinking about my job and wonder what I’d become. Everything was coming apart as I watched the threads of my life slowly blow away in another day of meaninglessness.

The final straw came a month before I moved. I was hanging out with this younger girl and we ate edible cannabis. She’d never done it before. We ate ten milligrams and watched a movie. About halfway through we ate another ten milligrams.

An hour after that we both started tripping. We turned the movie off and lay down to listen to music. For the first thirty minutes it was fun. Then time started slowing down.

I knew what to expect and she didn’t. As we lay in my bed, she latched onto me and dug her hands in. I looked over and saw her face mixing with the colors of the sky. Every light and shadow seemed to be interacting with her.

I brought her up so she was straddling me. She started to move her upper body and dance. My eyes followed her body and face in slow motion.

Her eyes were closed, but I was smiling. I reached up and stroked her hair then brought her down onto me. I pushed into her and kissed her hard.

She fell from me onto the bed and started laughing. I stood and went to the bathroom.

When I came out she was huddled up on the bed looking at her phone.

"How are you feeling Josie?”

She turned her head a little and looked at me. “I think I should call my dad. I just want him to know where I am.”

I moved quickly over to the bed. “Are you freaking out?”

“It’s starting to kick in and I think I took too much.”

“You'll be fine. There’s no reason to call your dad.” A cold sweat prickled my skin. “Want to go for a walk?”

At this she sat up and faced me. “Yeah, I think that would make me feel better.”

We stood slowly and she steadied herself on my arm. I opened the door and looked out at the darkness. I saw some tracers and shapes moving in the dark. “Are you ready?”

Her eyes were like two wet stones in her head, but she looked stable. “Yeah, let’s just go slow.”

And so we did. We walked down the stairs together into the cold night. As we walked her grip would momentarily increase on my arm then release. There was no rhythm to it—just like there’d been no rhythm to any of the night so far. We’d shoved off into unknown territory and neither of us could see the shore anymore. I was worried about her and the drug began to take hold of that.

As we walked I could feel my heart and breathing slowing. The cool air felt good against my skin. Josie continued to hold onto me as we walked through the apartment complex.

It seemed to sprawl on forever, but I knew it was only an illusion of the drug. Time faded to a dull hum in the background and most, if not all of my references were gone.

It seemed as if we’d been walking for about twenty minutes and yet had made no progress at all. We turned the corner and could no longer see my building. Josie dug into my arm, but we continued on.

We crested the hill and were in a part of the complex I’d never been. “Want to keep going?” I asked.

I could see her body was shaking slightly and I gave her my jacket. She put it on slowly and it seemed like for the first time we were turning a corner on the drug.

“Yeah, let’s keep going. It feels good out here.”

I nodded and we continued on.

As we walked I thought about the situation and duality of it. About how there were so many parallels to the rest of my life. I was walking a path into the unknown and not particularly happy. Something I thought would be fun had turned into an ordeal. And suddenly I felt so alone. Josie walked beside me, but my heart ached for anything else.

We continued on along the side of the apartments that seemed to stretch forever. I touched my hand to my face and they felt like ice.

Josie reached her hand out again and clamped down on mine. I looked up and saw her face—she looked incredibly young and vulnerable. I realized I had to fix this.

I pulled her into me and cradled her. “How are you feeling?”

“It comes and goes in waves.” She buried her face into my neck. “I’ll feel fine and present then suddenly I’ll be zoning out.”

“Me too. Let’s go back to the apartment.”

She held onto my arm and we continued on around the loop. I could feel my heart pounding as it seemed we were getting more and more lost. I watched the city lights flicker between the trees as we marched on.

There was a man walking towards us and Josie hugged me tighter as if he were dangerous. He passed with barely a glance.

I looked behind us and he turned a corner. When I flipped my head back around I saw the main driveway for the complex, which meant that my apartment was just ahead. My heart slowed just a bit.

“My place is right up ahead.”

Josie continued holding onto me and I could feel her head nod against my chest.

“Are you ok?”

She nodded again.

When we got back into my apartment I got us some water. The edible was hitting full speed now. Every movement was measured and I struggled to maintain my control—a huge mistake—I should have just went with it.

My hand shook as I handed her a bottle of water.

She looked up from her phone and took the bottle. “I’m going to text my friend. Just to see if she can come over.”

“You—“ I sipped my water. “I don’t think you should. Everything will be fine.”

She opened her eyes. I’ll just call her and have her come over for a bit.

I looked directly at her. “No, we’ll ride this out alone.”

She sat back onto the bed with an exaggerated huff. Where did the theater end and reality begin. I was slipping farther into the drugs reality and began to wonder how long I’d be there.

I turned out the light and opened the door to my deck. Then lay down beside her.

She hugged me. “I think the drug is taking over now. This is more what I thought it would feel like.”

“Yeah, we definitely took a lot more than I think we should have.”

We both lay motionless in the dark and watched the colors dance before our eyes. We were drifting so far apart now and neither of us realized it.

She rolled over. “I’m just going to call Gab.”

I looked at her for a few seconds then mumbled, “Sure that’s fine.”

She called five times before she finally got through to someone. I barely heard her talking and at this point I didn’t really care.

She hung up the phone and turned back to me. “Gab is coming over.”

“Just to stay for a bit?”

“Yeah, I’d just feel better if she was here.”

I could barely comprehend the words she was saying. I nodded my head and lay back. The veil of my life had been pulled back and I was suddenly seeing it for the first time. It was as if I was watching myself from a great distance. What I saw horrified me.

She got up and went to the kitchen. I leaned up on my elbow. “Try to be quiet. I don’t want the people downstairs to hear us.”

Her face showed nothing. She sipped her water then lay back down.

“Do you want to just try and sleep?”

“I can’t sleep. Every time I close my eyes there’s too much going on.”

I kissed her. “Let’s just try and relax.”

Suddenly she jumped up and ran into the bathroom.

There was retching and eventually I heard the sloppy sound of vomit hitting the water. She turned on the water and brushed her teeth.

After a few moments she wobbled out of the bathroom on unsteady legs. Her eyes began to tear up and I jumped out of bed. I held her in my arms and felt her tears soak into my shirt.

She broke free and ran back into the bathroom. More retching and vomit. More reflections of my own. The visions kept getting worse.

I went in and ran a hand towel under warm water then handed it to her. “Is there anything that would make you feel better?”

She shook her head and walked out of the bathroom.

I watched the tracers for a moment then followed her, shutting off the light.

She sat on the edge of the bed and stared into her phone.

I was about to speak when there was a knock on the door. I looked through the peephole and saw it was her friend Gab. I opened the door and waved her in. “Josie just threw up.”

Gab looked at my apartment for a few seconds then said, “I guess that’s good. She hopefully got some of it out of her system.”

I looked at the clock for what seemed like a long time, 2:13 am. When I turn back Gab is comforting Josie on the bed.

When I sit down Josie looks up and says, “Gab said she took edibles on a flight home once. It was a rough experience.”

I tried to control the look on my face and had no idea if I succeeded. “Yeah, being stuck in a metal tube and freaking out would be terrible. What did you do?”

Gab looked up at me and glared. “I just rode it out.”

For the first time I was seeing that she looked exhausted. He hair was a mess and I knew she’d gotten out of bed to come here. “I think we’re fine now. Josie just had a little freak out.”

Gab looked at Josie and whispered something. Then Josie looked up at me. “We’ll stay for a bit longer.”

This statement didn’t fully connect with me. “Ok, that’s fine. I think I’m good now.”

I heard them whispering and the only thing that filtered through was Gab saying, “We can leave anytime.”

I stood up and got some more water. “I think I can sleep now.”

Josie looked at me, pain filled her eyes and I gave nothing back. “Clay, we’re going to leave. I have a tennis match tomorrow and I’m still fucked up.”

“I didn’t know that,” I whispered. “Why did you want to take edibles if you had to be up early for a match?”

There was no answer other than her pained eyes turning away. They both stood up and Gab seemed to be holding Josie up on her feet.

“Try and get some rest,” I said.

I opened the door for them and as they exited Josie looked back at me and whispered. “I’m sorry Clay. Try to get some sleep.”

“No worries. Let me know how your match goes.”

With that I shut the door and turned off all the lights. Then I went and lay back down and turned on the JRE experience.

As I listened to my heart thump inside my chest my mind wandered into unknown territory. A deep catharsis began to happen. I felt myself sinking into the bed and everything I’d been doing for last three years in Portland came rushing back. I thought of all the people I’d hurt and the lives I’d altered (including Josie’s life). I thought about the slow unraveling and didn’t even really know how I’d gotten here. The machine had beaten me. 

And eventually I was unafraid. I thought about it and realized my life had come to a stand still. I needed to change and there was hope in realizing that. I went to sleep listening to Joe Rogan and planning my next move.

The next morning I woke up to a text from Josie. Gab is going to take me over to get some of the stuff I left there.

What stuff do you want?

Just some of the clothes and stuff I have there.

When are you coming over?

I should be over in thirty minutes or so.

I didn’t write her back. I gathered her things and fell back asleep.

I rolled over groggily as I heard a knock at my door. I rolled out of bed and staggered over to see who it was. I looked through the peephole and Josie was standing on the other side.

I opened the door and handed her her things. She looked at me through weary defeated eyes.

I hugged her. “How are you feeling?”

“I feel a lot better now. I have to go though. I have a match in like an hour.”

I kissed and hugged her again. “Good luck and let me know how it goes. I’m going back to sleep.”

I shut the door and listened to her descend the stairs.

As I lay back down, I hung onto that small sliver of hope I’d had from the night before. 

When I woke again it was from another text from Josie. Clay I think we’re done.

For some reason this didn’t shock me. It had seemed inevitable. I’d been planning to leave her behind anyway. I knew I couldn’t stay here and I knew she couldn’t follow. It was a clean break.

You don’t ever want to see or talk to me again?

No, I think we’re done. It’s all too much.

I understand. Sorry for last night and good luck with everything.

I never heard from Josie again after that and three months later I left the Portland area. I set out on a journey to discover who I really was and part of what came out of that was this site.

Hold a little tighter, I might just slip away. Welcome to Clay Waters Echo.